i learn slow

i shall need several weeks or months off work

in the early stage of a new religion, 

i need time to make it up 

pull an apex grin 

888 my spectral sum 

charm a devil at an intersection

and sell your soul for sin

best check the small print

because i learn slow

but at least i know

i had been down the autism rabbit hole for a while by this point but by now i was in a full blown identity crisis. who am i? am i someone else now? does the process of self discovery actually involve the construction of a new self? is this like the electron whose form is altered by observation?

i consider the parable of the bluesman who sells his soul to the devil to play rock n roll guitar. i’m tempted to seek out an autism super power for myself.

but on reflection, post diagnosis, the person i am most like is the young me, who blogged and wrote short stories and dreamed of being a novelist or a rock star, working passionately and amateurishly on artistic projects. the need to express myself on the page or cassette. the planned, edited, polished, dialogue. perhaps because i am not the best at expressing myself in the moment.

which is fine. i think. i’m sure i heard somewhere once that the irish say that a writer is a failed talker. i’ll take that.