lonely consequence

maybe we can choose 

our consequences

and gain energy as the 

days accumulate 

have i mentioned my inability to visualise the future?

scared, listless, 

unreadily forced to bear witness

a dusken golden moment lighted

a sudden recognition; 

that leaden feeling 

when they tell you are going to die

is loneliness, 

as much of it as you can have.

i was once diagnosed with a terminal illness. that was the start of my midlife crisis. i was then completely undiagnosed on my 39th birthday. a misread x-ray was all it was. so why don’t i feel any better?

i remember the days after diagnosis. feeling so heavy. feeling like i could forget to breathe. it was only later than i realised that this was the loneliness of the universal truth that we die alone: it is the end of the internal world, the one we can only try and share through metaphor and simile.