i wonder how we will commemorate the 1000th anniversary of the norman conquest in 2066. if i live to see it, i’ll be an old man. will it lead to an examination of viking influence on british life? i’m pretty certain i’m of viking blood. i identify as blonde, despite what that spotty french teacher said when i was 13 (she said, in french, first, ‘sit down if you have brown hair,’ and second, ’n.n. benn, sit down, you have brown hair.’

‘no,’ i said, ‘it merely looks brown. i can assure you that deep down, invisibly to the naked eye, my hair is blonde.’

anyway, most countries have been subject to multiple instances of conquest and revolution. the french seem to guillotine their ruling class every couple of hundred years. whereas our fossil landlords in britain seem to have been landed and gented since time immemorial. our systems are dysfunctional and eccentric. whereas germany, france and italy and, who all lost wars or were occupied in the last century, have benefitted from at least attempting to come up with rational systems of government.

i was in paris recently – everywhere you look you see the slogan ‘liberté, égalité, fraternité.’ much preferable to betty two regina and chuck three rex.

i was just walking down my street. the sun was blaring from the sky. and there was vinegar in the air from the chippy. the sensation gave me a sort of jolt through time and space, as scents are wont to do, and took me to the british seaside holidays of my childhood.

sticky hands, blackpool rock, the hot sun and the cold breeze. chips and salt, the squeak of plastic cutlery on polystyrene.

do you know what is a great cure for the blues? cycling a pass through the foothills and seeing the range reveal itself as you reach the crest. after going so hard you tasted blood on the ascent.

and of course, hazy jane is a reference to nick drake. who was introduced to me sort of in tandem by ms. j, my high school english teacher, and graham coxon, who had an album out, the sky is too high at the same time. ‘i wish i could bring nick drake back to life’. it’s been a long time since i heard that. adds to playlist

i was a bit down in the dumps. so much was going on in my life. i was depressed, lonely, anxious. i was in autistic burnout, but didn’t know i was autistic.

i spoke to a friend on the telephone and felt a lot better. i didn’t solve any of my problems. but they didn’t seem quite as big.

lo siento is spanish for sorry. but it literally means something more like, ‘i feel it.’ of course, most of the time i say it after accidentally stepping on someone’s toe in the supermarket, or after smashing something in the supermarket. but in a poetic context, it feels to me like a generous state of mind. a beautiful feat of empathy. i hear your concern, and i feel your agony like my own.

second place – again. another job i didn’t get. and do you know what. it was probably for the best. i was gutted at the time but i’m basically glad about it now. i’m starting a new job in the next week actually. an opportunity i would otherwise have missed.

mother and sisters are relations, but so are times, places and things. we cooperate with untold thousands on daily basis – we relate with a seamstress in bangladesh when we pull our trousers on, one leg at a time. with the worker in the sandwich factory when we eat our lunch. with the victorian engineers who built our sewers when we flush the loo.

it’s easy to be swept up by the self-fetishisation movement. to believe that you have control over your destiny. you do not. you merely have influence over it. so to do anything in the hope of an outcome – for me and my calculations anyway – is folly. to live a happy life, one must do the things that one wants to do for their own sake.

life is a process, not a product.