Tag: diagnosis

lonely consequence

maybe we can choose 

our consequences

and gain energy as the 

days accumulate 

have i mentioned my inability to visualise the future?

scared, listless, 

unreadily forced to bear witness

a dusken golden moment lighted

a sudden recognition; 

that leaden feeling 

when they tell you are going to die

is loneliness, 

as much of it as you can have.

i was once diagnosed with a terminal illness. that was the start of my midlife crisis. i was then completely undiagnosed on my 39th birthday. a misread x-ray was all it was. so why don’t i feel any better?

i remember the days after diagnosis. feeling so heavy. feeling like i could forget to breathe. it was only later than i realised that this was the loneliness of the universal truth that we die alone: it is the end of the internal world, the one we can only try and share through metaphor and simile. 

it’s jagged timbre

as long as a hand and as tall as a long finger
there’s comfort in it’s jagged timbre
no banks but thorny river banks and building societies
deep section diversion, shrine and a cuppa tea
on the juliet, the wind cries mary jane
jesus christ, socialist, there is no pope in heaven
romeo, no devil below, no hell but earth we know
this exact moment is the only thing happening in your life right now
and it’s a powerful thing to be loved, regardless
regardless of anything you ever have or have not done

the first line refers to the size of my wireless radio, which i was contemplating taking on holiday. i think in the end i just took the ipad for my music and podcast need. i like to always own a battered old wireless though. the current on uses rechargeable aa batteries. the aerial is snapped in half and the battery enclosure is broken and long lost. the only station saved in the presents is radio 4.

i used to listen to radio 4 more or less 24 hours a day. i would leave it on as i slept. then i moved in with a girlfriend about 13 years ago and this was one of the things i had to give up. now i tend to have my noise cancelling headphones on and a podcast on. i don’t even know what i’m listening to right now. turns out it is the financial times ‘economics show’. but really its just some predictable radio friendly voices talking calmly in my ear.

it’s a powerful thing to be the recipient of unconditional love. i speak from experience. i felt deeply unworthy of this love as a teenager. i was only diagnosed as autistic as an adult and i wonder how helpful that information might have been as i struggled all my life to understand myself, all my contradictions and struggles. i’m not 100% per cent convinced it would have been a better story. but it might have kept me out of a few scrapes.