the prophecy came first much too soon, then again a bit too late

the prophecy came first much too soon, then again a bit too late
we all rely on the good souls who forgive us.

we are all imperfect beings. perhaps forgetful, clumsy, prone to greed, unintentionally rude. we break things, we make a mess, we keep people waiting.

we lay demands on each other. we stress each other out.

and i think… well. nobody really knows why we are here. everything just happens to us. there is no such thing as normal.

so, although it is hard, i beseech you – forgive your enemies. don’t wait for them to forgive you.

but are some things unforgivable? / let’s hope good souls can hold a grudge with compassion.

i’m so sleepy today. i had a busy few days. i did a big cycle. i climbed a mountain. i saw old friends, drank negroni and was merry.

i often have ‘low power’ days. if i don’t schedule some quiet time, my body enforces it. is it autism? a delayed hangover? is my immune system battling an infection? who knows. i’m gonna take it easy anyway. read a good book. make a loaf of bread. try to avoid talking.

are some things unforgivable though? i want to say no, that there is always the possibility of redemption. but i fear it may not be true. some crimes are so great that it’s hard to believer the perpetrators could have souls. and i’m too tired to want to think about this today.

but considering the crimes and trespasses that have been committed against me – no, there is nothing i can’t or won’t forgive.

i react first with emotion, the weight takes a while to settle / i’m let down and i let down / there is no reasoning with the passions.

i was going through a process of self-understanding. a bit late, to be honest. i guess i’ve known for a while that it takes me a lot of effort to react well to things. i now know that i’m autistic, and a highly sensitive person. i panic when i’m surprised, i hate criticism, i don’t even like compliments much. a few deep breaths. ok maybe this email is just an invitation to a seminar that i can accept or not and there is no underlying passive aggressive message to be offended by.

we want what we want because we want it. to some extent. not much more advanced than a flower turning towards the sun. but because we have so many complicated ways of expressing our desires, and because it can be quite hard to be sure what our desires are (am i hungry or am i anxious?) we can trick ourselves into believing that the ‘me’ from the internal monologue is running the whole show from a place of reason. when actually its just a chatbot that calms you down or riles you up or whatever.

i guess what i mean is that reason gets us what we want, if we use it well. but passions aren’t rational. hunger and horniness can neither be summoned or subdued with reason alone. (food and sex will do it though)

how do you take criticism?

we all rely on the good souls who forgive us.

this line, or variations thereof, goes on to recur 23 more times in the poem, but this is its first outing. however, it was actually first written at the end of january 2024 in the form:

the stress of january can lead to bad decisions:
we all rely on the good souls that forgive us

january is always a stressful month for me. lots going on. not much sunlight. always working at the laptop, dark outside, wallet sore from christmas. all heading towards some nasty deadlines at the end of the month. not much time to think things through. anyway. in the midst of this chaos, someone made a snap decision that i disagreed with.

i thought – we can disagree, but we don’t need to fall out. i didn’t raise it again. it wasn’t my decision to make, and it barely affected me.

and i’m not saying i am the good soul here. my thought was more: i make mistakes, and i don’t think fair people would hold that against me. and further: to forgive is a great thing. we are the products of our circumstances. we all live in two worlds, the mental and the material, and we all have completely different experiences.

i am reminded of the old joke: don’t judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. as then they will be a mile away, and barefoot.

anyway, those who carry grudges are the ones who are most harmed by them, and have the most to gain from forgiveness.