but are some things unforgivable? / let’s hope good souls can hold a grudge with compassion.

i’m so sleepy today. i had a busy few days. i did a big cycle. i climbed a mountain. i saw old friends, drank negroni and was merry.

i often have ‘low power’ days. if i don’t schedule some quiet time, my body enforces it. is it autism? a delayed hangover? is my immune system battling an infection? who knows. i’m gonna take it easy anyway. read a good book. make a loaf of bread. try to avoid talking.

are some things unforgivable though? i want to say no, that there is always the possibility of redemption. but i fear it may not be true. some crimes are so great that it’s hard to believer the perpetrators could have souls. and i’m too tired to want to think about this today.

but considering the crimes and trespasses that have been committed against me – no, there is nothing i can’t or won’t forgive.

an intractable issue that we must address, and i guess the time is nowish

i am a people pleaser. i hate conflict. i have a tendency towards secrecy. it is quite recently that i felt able to talk about how i feel and confront the issues in my life. finding out i am autistic has been quite helpful in that it has given a sort of framework through which to analyse my strengths and weaknesses. but it took a lot of therapy before i was in a place that i was even ready to ask those questions of myself.

i have always hated myself and wanted others to love me. but i am trying now to love myself. to extend the same generosity for my mistakes that i would grant anyone else.

a storm steals my ride so we climb pint eat and breeze (and on, and on) / it’s better to be generous to the best of your means (and on, and on) / (and on and on and on and on and on)

and on and on and on. the monotony of existence. just spinning that wheel a little bit, every day. take the bins out. make breakfast. make lunch. make dinner. go to bed just when you finally got all the chores done and are excited to finally enjoy a world free from deman.

but seriously, as an autistic person who suffers from time to time with pda (pathalogical demand avoidance), it can be hard. sometimes just existing is overwhelming and just one little demand more can push me into meltdown territory.

but usually after a little break, some beta-blockers, some stimming, maybe playing my melodica for ten minutes, i find myself renewed, ready to eat my frog, and grateful for the love in my life, and for the generous people i surround myself with.

when did you last experience another’s generosity?