5 beta 1

i make a million lists

and enjoy morning mist

from november 2016

us cyclists are cut from different stuff.

but not very much of it

aged 39, version 4.0, aged four-zero, version 5 beta 1

you gotta believe me, life comes for you, son

so i had a mid life crisis from 2022-23. i got misdiagnosed with emphysema and spiralled a bit. got very depressed. went through a break up. fell in love. then got unmisdiagnosed.

i sort of jokingly referred to my mid life crisis as benn 4.0. but before i even really got into the swing of it, i found out i was autistic. so i decided i’m not on benn 5 beta 1.

this bipolar love hurts so much round infatuated hertz

i like to try and keep my desert island discs up to date. you never know when lauren laverne might call.

right up there, maybe my favourite song of all time, is ‘why does your love hurt so much?’ by carly simon. and love does hurt.

falling in romantic love is a massive, multifaceted thing. it involves accepting vulnerability. it means taking on another’s pain, as well as sharing in their pleasure. you sign up for the highs, but the dips can be brutal.

and as you fall in love with someone, you change them, they change you, and you change yourself. and, if it is meant to be, after a while, you will have grown together and found a way to be together.

i turn my snout at regret—the danger made it meaningful / while my teenaged self-destruction echoes on (and on)

TRIGGER WARNING…. self harm.

as an undiagnosed autistic teenager, you may not be surprised to learn i had a troubled time. social skills did not come naturally. i learn by making mistakes. to learn this way – you have to make the mistakes. i have a bad habit of breaking new things. delicate things that don’t belong to me.

i took the pain out on myself. i directed my meltdowns internally. i cut my arms to shreds. i abused substances.

last year i started getting all my self-harm scars covered with tattoos. and now, when i look at my arms, i no longer feel shame. i love my arms. nobody has arms like mine. they are perfect. they tell my story.

are tattoos important to you?