ms. diagnosis

i only realised i had dimples

when i was 39

its fair to say i have a disconnected

state of mind

my health so misdiagnosed

i associate doctors with hurting mine

so let’s let this limerent love sing fine

aside regular meltdowns,

it’s still the honeymoon time

we bond beyond the boundaries of skin

and trust that good souls forgive everything.

when i was in my early twenties i had a girlfriend with facial dimples. how, how did it not occur to me that i also have dimples. even as i was researching the idea on google images i was doubtful. but ultimately accepting. diagnosed with dimples at thirty nine years old. with autism at 40. what next?

plug stuck

am overwhelming day, a meltdown throws my phone away

the bath is full of soapy water, the plug stuck in its circlet

it’s thursday the 12th, what the fuck will tomorrow bring?

i start the drill and it’s enough

to scare the plug from its crown

when you find out you are probably autistic, there is a tendency to temporarily get more autistic. i have actually only had a few meltdowns. i am a quite person. i am prone to shutdowns. i don’t like to draw attention to myself.

the few meltdowns i have had have tended to get me in serious trouble. like, arrested, or hospitalised.

on this occasion, i merely smashed a phone that was already quite scratched up and to be honest i probably wanted an excuse to buy a new one.

oh and the plug got stuck in the bath. i have written about this before! it was annoying! check the archives!

step change

down for pinting up the soft and pleasant hues of bath time

step change, ladders direct,

get a price on a dark moneypiece

what about pantries is it that brings me to tears?

meltdown quietly, astir all night,

we each start new two chapters

wind our stories together

inky pupils blotting out,

another lost doppelgänger

i learned that a moneypiece is a way of dying hair, and bought the wrong ladders and returned them for smaller ladders. then i had a horrible shut down / panic attack thing on an insomniac evening and felt really weird.

a storm steals my ride so we climb pint eat and breeze (and on, and on) / it’s better to be generous to the best of your means (and on, and on) / (and on and on and on and on and on)

and on and on and on. the monotony of existence. just spinning that wheel a little bit, every day. take the bins out. make breakfast. make lunch. make dinner. go to bed just when you finally got all the chores done and are excited to finally enjoy a world free from deman.

but seriously, as an autistic person who suffers from time to time with pda (pathalogical demand avoidance), it can be hard. sometimes just existing is overwhelming and just one little demand more can push me into meltdown territory.

but usually after a little break, some beta-blockers, some stimming, maybe playing my melodica for ten minutes, i find myself renewed, ready to eat my frog, and grateful for the love in my life, and for the generous people i surround myself with.

when did you last experience another’s generosity?