various male relationships

i overheard a brother 
from the proclaimers
smoking on the step 
discussing the anal invader.
modern men coagulate 
into half-brother run clans
garries nu and old 
face-off ying and yang
they hope their hauners 
will do the honours
alpha of the man gang

i had been at the studio practicing with my band when i stepped outside for whatever reason and the one of the brothers from the proclaimers was there and i just overhead him say, ‘they call him the anal invader apparently.’

then i think i saw a photo of a run club on instagram and all the guys looked the same. like half siblings maybe. and my friend i.h. told me he was going to get a yin-yang tattoo of the gary numan and gary oldman. he still hasn’t got it yet as far as i know.

an intractable issue that we must address, and i guess the time is nowish

i am a people pleaser. i hate conflict. i have a tendency towards secrecy. it is quite recently that i felt able to talk about how i feel and confront the issues in my life. finding out i am autistic has been quite helpful in that it has given a sort of framework through which to analyse my strengths and weaknesses. but it took a lot of therapy before i was in a place that i was even ready to ask those questions of myself.

i have always hated myself and wanted others to love me. but i am trying now to love myself. to extend the same generosity for my mistakes that i would grant anyone else.

a storm steals my ride so we climb pint eat and breeze (and on, and on) / it’s better to be generous to the best of your means (and on, and on) / (and on and on and on and on and on)

and on and on and on. the monotony of existence. just spinning that wheel a little bit, every day. take the bins out. make breakfast. make lunch. make dinner. go to bed just when you finally got all the chores done and are excited to finally enjoy a world free from deman.

but seriously, as an autistic person who suffers from time to time with pda (pathalogical demand avoidance), it can be hard. sometimes just existing is overwhelming and just one little demand more can push me into meltdown territory.

but usually after a little break, some beta-blockers, some stimming, maybe playing my melodica for ten minutes, i find myself renewed, ready to eat my frog, and grateful for the love in my life, and for the generous people i surround myself with.

when did you last experience another’s generosity?